Why Victims Stay

Why Do Victims Stay?

When people ask, "Why don’t they just leave?" it’s important to understand that leaving an abusive relationship isn’t as simple as it seems. As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand the layers of societal, historical, and psychological barriers that can keep a victim trapped. Many of these barriers are deeply ingrained in our history and culture, making it difficult for victims to break free.

Historical Roots of Control

One major reason victims may stay in abusive relationships can be traced back to the historical treatment of women. The law of coverture, which existed for centuries, legally merged a woman's identity with her husband’s once they were married. Under this law, women had no right to own property, earn their own income, or make significant decisions without their husband’s approval. Even in cases of divorce, men automatically retained custody of the children. This system not only stripped women of their legal rights but also embedded the notion that they were dependent on men for survival. While these laws have since changed, the remnants of this belief system still influence family dynamics today.

It wasn’t until the 1970s that the tide began to turn. Prior to this period, domestic violence wasn’t even considered a crime in many parts of the world. Men could abuse their wives without fear of legal consequences. Slowly, organizations like the Women’s Christian Temperance Union and the Battered Women’s Movement began advocating for women’s safety and rights. The first permanent shelter for domestic violence victims opened in the U.S. in 1974, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline was established in 1977. The fight for women’s safety is relatively new, and society is still in the early stages of understanding and addressing domestic violence.

Cultural and Societal Beliefs

Beyond historical influences, societal beliefs continue to play a significant role in why victims stay. Misconceptions about domestic violence make it difficult for victims to recognize or accept their situation. Here are five common myths and their impact:

1. "Domestic violence only happens to women."

While it is true that women are disproportionately affected, 1 in 7 men will also experience domestic violence in their lifetime. Men are less likely to report abuse due to shame or the belief that they cannot be victims. This stigma leads both men and women to stay silent, feeling isolated and unable to seek help.

2. “Substance use or mental illness causes abuse."

Many victims are told that their partner’s abusive behavior is a result of addiction or mental illness. While these factors may exacerbate the abuse, they are not the cause. Abuse is a choice, and it stems from a desire to control and dominate. Blaming external factors often keeps victims in a cycle of trying to "fix" their partner, rather than recognizing the need to leave.

3. "Abusers need anger management."

Domestic violence isn’t about uncontrolled anger; it’s about control. Abusers use calculated strategies—verbal insults, manipulation, isolation—to exert power over their victims. This is not a loss of control, but a deliberate effort to dominate, making it more challenging for victims to leave, as they often hope the abuse is a temporary lapse rather than an ongoing power dynamic.

4. "It’s not abuse if there’s no physical violence."

Abuse can take many forms, including emotional, verbal, and financial abuse. Victims may not recognize abuse if it doesn’t involve physical violence, but tactics like gaslighting, threats, isolation, and financial control are all ways abusers maintain power. Victims often downplay the severity of non-physical abuse, which keeps them in the relationship.

5. "If they don’t leave, it must not be that bad."

Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly dangerous. In fact, the period after leaving is often the most dangerous time for a victim, as abusers escalate their control tactics. For some, leaving feels impossible, especially if the abuser has threatened their safety or livelihood. Victims are often playing a delicate game of survival, managing the abuse to protect themselves until they can safely escape.

The Impact of Generational Trauma

Generational trauma also plays a major role in why victims stay. Many victims of domestic violence come from families where abuse was normalized. Children who experience abuse at the hands of a caregiver often internalize the belief that they are deserving of mistreatment. These early experiences can shape their adult relationships, making it difficult to recognize unhealthy patterns.

Families may also perpetuate the cycle by minimizing abusive behaviors, excusing toxic relationships, or shaming family members for setting boundaries. When abuse mirrors what a victim experienced in childhood, it can feel "normal," even though it’s harmful. This conditioning makes it harder to break free from abusive relationships in adulthood.

A Message to Survivors

If you’re reading this and are in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that your life matters. You deserve to live without fear, and you are worthy of love and respect. Reach out to a domestic violence counselor, build a safety plan, and remember that there are people ready to support you. Healing is possible, and you are not alone.

— Margarita